Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
