Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize