Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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