Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
