I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
as a side note pls kill me
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
