Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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