i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
