i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
