Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
