I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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