I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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