im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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