time to smoke my breakfast
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
