I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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