i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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