we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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