cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
she peed on how many people?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They took my balls.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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