So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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