my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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