sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
