If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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