I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
