i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
