I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
