Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
