totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
