She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
