My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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