the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
