i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
