Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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