If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
