i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
