Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
