ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
