My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
