Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
