just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
