No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
