my phone needs a breathalizer
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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