I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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