Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
