I wish I could punch you in the face.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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