I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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