I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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