everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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