but the lizard people decide everything anyway
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
