Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
