i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
