see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
