508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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