Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
