even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
