Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
