I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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