my phone needs a breathalizer
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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