You don't have asthma, your pregnant
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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