I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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