the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
