Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
