It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
