She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
