just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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